After weeks of mentally drafting blog posts I’ve finally reached the point where I’m ready to write one, and god willing, hit publish.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to blog, but there were so many of those annoying little hurdles that just seemed insurmountable: the idea of uploading photos was daunting, and then my computer broke, and my only option for writing anything longer than a text message was Jake’s iPad mini. Somehow the idea of tapping out a blog post on a six-inch screen just didn’t provide the necessary motivation.
But now the computer is back and January’s almost over, so I’m all out of excuses.
In my last post, I mentioned that we were headed to the Galapagos Islands. I’ll share more about that somewhere down the road (once I’ve uploaded the 3000 bird photos I know you’re all dying to see) but for now I’ll just say that I fell unexpectedly in love with Ecuador and even though I’m not really an animal person, it was a very cool trip. Lots of seals and penguins and whatnot, and far less motion sickness than anticipated.
The whole first week back from vacation was a mess. Doing anything was a challenge – my real life suddenly looked like an expert-level Sudoku puzzle but my brain felt like it had OD’ed on muscle relaxers.
The second week was spent adjusting to my spring semester schedule, which is a bullshit cop-out because most of you have jobs and other responsibilties far more demanding than skimming casenotes and “billing” clinic hours. Although in my defense, I’m easily overwhelmed. It’s an unfortunate default setting. You could lobotomize me and I’d still be stressing out about something.
Last week I started feeling ready to stage my reentry to blog land and then the laptop broke on me.
There are few things more annoying than finally having the mental wherewithal do something you’ve been putting off (going to the gym, writing a blog post) only to have your plans foiled by annoying extraneous shit like a traffic jam or a busted MacBook. I know there are real problems in this world, and blogs and gyms aren’t among them, but still – tell me I’m wrong.
Anyway, on top of the computer issues I got really sick, and then we went to Telluride for the weekend, so I failed to get my shit together yet again.
Needless to say, I’ve let a lot of time pass without an update.
I’d intended to do a 2014 recap but there’s a mootness issue there, in light of the fact that it’s January 27th, year 2015. I also thought I’d share my resolutions, but those all went WAY downhill weeks ago, so there’s a mootness issue there, too.
For example, I joined Weight Watchers and quit Weight Watchers all in the same week, and then I gained 3.5 pounds. It’s probably worse now but I don’t have the heart to step on the scale. I also swore I was going to do Sober January but I failed at that too. Sort of how I said I was going to blog more and it’s taken me 4 weeks to show up.
So instead I’ve decided I’m not doing resolutions. I believe self-improvement is important, but I’m not giving mine a syllabus this year. There are some changes – i.e. willpower and focus – that would probably improve most areas of my life, but adding metrics is intimidating and probably just counterproductive, because, unfortunately, I’m no goal setter. In fact, I’m the opposite of a goal setter. I’ve never met a goal I didn’t run from. For example, the other day Jake and I were talking about bar prep courses. He asked why I didn’t sign up for bar prep back when I was a 1L, when all the organized, Type A students were locking in Barbri’s cheaper rates. Or what about when I was a 2L, when rates were still cheaper? I said I really wasn’t sure if I planned to finish law school, so why bother signing up?
And here we are, four months from graduation (hopefully) and still no decision has been made, including which bar I want to be admitted to…
(lawyers out there: any bar prep suggestions? I’m leaning toward Themis but if you have strong feelings one way or another, please let me know!)
But I digress. If I’ve learned anything by 31, it’s that self-improvment is a natural process, but one that only develops if you’re putting yourself in challenging positions more often than you’re taking the easy road. I think a lot of us take the job challenges, the academic challenges, scheduling challenges, fitness challenges etc., etc., but for me, that’s only a small part of the growth thing. The real challenge for me is overcoming my insane concern about other peoples’ opinions of me, and that’s a challenge I rarely sign up for.
People always say that the only opinion of you that matters is your own, but you have to put yourself in uncomfortable positions BEFORE you can reach any meaningful conclusions about yourself, at which point other people have formed their opinions, too, and there’s nothing you can do to control them. Which is an unappealing prospect. Hence my sporadic participation in such activities.
The good news is that once you’ve gone through it all – the self-doubt, the humiliation, the insane narcissism, the panic, the depression, the delusions of grandeur – and you’ve come to the realization that nothing is EVER that big of a deal and that no one REALLY cares what you’re doing with your life, everything you feared has more or less come true and your skin’s a little tougher for it. Which makes the inevitable Next Big Decision seem way less intimidating and life-changing than the first one did. Which makes it easier to say yes to.
That was really vague but this has turned into the blog post equivalent of a Tough Mudder and I really don’t have the energy to go back through and clean it all up. My sole point is that my only real resolution for 2015 is to do more of what I did in 2014. Say yes to scary shit. Say no to the stuff I “should” do but have zero interest in. Get over myself. And hopefully, watch my world expand, inch by tiny inch.
I hope your 2015 is off to a great start. And thank you so much for reading.
That is all.