I think I take on all these “extras,” like internships and board positions, purely for the sake of self-validation, because all I ever seem to do is stare at my computer screen, shovel jellybeans in my mouth, and wait for my Facebook newsfeed to refresh itself. It’s not that I’m bored by the responsibilities. I’m actually really excited, but I lack the energy needed to accomplish anything. Maybe I need to be very, very lightly struck by lightning, or swatted with a sheet of electric fencing. Bottom line: the Adderall prescription just ain’t cutting it anymore.
I had to go to the gastroenterologist for the first time in my life yesterday and I was the youngest person in the waiting room by about thirty years. The nurse told me I had elevated blood pressure – a first time occurence for me!!! I was weirdly intrigued by that. I’m convinced it was situationally created, because once you’ve had a doctor look you in the eye and say the words “you have cancer,” every doctor’s appointment that follows is a catalyst for psychotic freakouts and a slew of panic-induced physiological symptoms that make it hard to discern paranoia from reality.
In good news, our Girl Scout cookies have finally arrived, about seven months after the rest of America got theirs. We were supposed to go to a Girl Scout Cookie Pick-up Party tonight, but had to cancel because the Boo’s family is in town and there’s a Great Aunt whose approval is necessary before our relationship can move forward, so I have to eat noodle kugel and chopped liver with her instead.
I made up the part about needing to meet her but it’s most likely true. That being said, I was pretty excited about this Cookie Pick-up Party and am a little disappointed we can’t attend, because there will be way more drinking going on there than with the future in-laws. Manishewitz doesn’t count.
The luckiest Girl Scouts in this town are the ones whose parents are lobbyists and pimp their kids’ cookie selling efforts all over DC’s political circles. The Girl Scout whose parents are hosting tonight’s event outsold the rest of her troop by about 20,000 boxes. Or something totally and impressively absurd like that.
My sister and I were unceremoniously thrown out of our Brownies troop so I never experienced the alleged thrill of being a Girl Scout Cookies salesgirl. As I sit here reflecting upon that ordeal, I realize that Brownies was the closest I ever got to joining a sorority, and getting the boot from them is probably why I never joined a sorority in college. Too many rules I could never keep track of, you know? But anywho, despite a little bit of lingering shame, I’ve got nothing but love for the Girl Scouts and will tear up a box of Samoas like no other.
This incoherent ramble is coming to an end, I promise, but I just wanted to share something I stumbled upon when I was cleaning out my emails yesterday. I swore I’d never exploit the Wrong Men in my past, but that’s what I’m about to do, for comedic purposes only. Not sure that makes it right, but oh well.
I went on two or three dates with this guy a few years ago. The following is a mildly paraphrased excerpt from an epically long email he sent to me after getting in a drunken altercation with my little sister. I was sleeping on a barstool at the time, but the basics are that my sister deemed him unworthy of me, called him a fraud, and essentially shamed him into leaving the bar.
I’m sorry if you’ve dated lousy fellas in the past. I’ve dated some real train wrecks with perfect eyebrows. But so be it, as my mother says. Life is not a dress rehearsal.
I have no idea what he was talking about. That part about perfect eyebrows kills me, but mostly I just think it’s awesome that my sister was willing to tell this guy he’s not worthy of me when I’m the one passed out drunk on a barstool.
I’m starting to feel like a real freakshow laying out all these stories. so if you have your own thoughts about Girl Scouts, gastroenterologists, Neiman Marcus being a deadbeat retailer, or any e-love letters from the Wrong Men in your past, PLEASE share them with me! I’m dying to hear!